Breaking the All-or-Nothing Cycle: How to Build ADHD-Friendly Systems That Actually Stick
As a woman with ADHD, have you ever woken up feeling determined that TODAY IS THE DAY. You’re finally going to get your life together! Maybe you’ve bought a new planner, thought about some meal prep, gotten up early to do a workout, zeroed your inbox (WHATTTT? Who even am I?)…and then by Wednesday, you’re exhausted and back in survival mode, with the scattered debris of your failed efforts plunging you back into guilt.
This cycle of all or nothing is so common for women with ADHD. The burst of motivation, followed by ALL the IDEAS (!!), followed by overcommitment, burnout, shutdown, shame aaaaaannnnd repeat. This isn’t laziness. It’s not lack of willpower. It’s a pattern deeply tied to ADHD wiring, dopamine needs, and emotional regulation.
Why All-or-Nothing Thinking Feels So Familiar
ADHD brains love a fresh start, but struggle to maintain consistency. Why is this? ADHD brains crave the dopamine rush of novelty, but rigid systems collapse under executive dysfunction. Many women with ADHD also struggle with perfectionism (“I’ve been masking my WHOLE life and maybe if I’m not trying to be perfect, everything will collapse!”) – and this need for perfection creates a barrier to motivation (“If I can’t do it right, why bother at all? Or “If I can’t do it perfectly yet, I need to spend more time on the research phase before starting”).
This constant cycle of planning, building, ideas, and lack of follow-through can lead to constant self-criticism. Ever heard yourself say “Why can’t I ever get myself together? Other people seem to be able to manage, why not me?”. Over time, this erodes your ability to trust in yourself – you struggle to believe in the possibility of your own success, because the messages you see and hear all the time are “You’ve failed again”. Is it any wonder you find building systems that work so exhausting?? I want to tell you now, you’re not broken – you’ve just been trying to live in a system that wasn’t built for your brain.
So what does it mean to build Sustainable Systems?
Sustainable systems, by their own definition, mean you HAVE to be able to keep up with them. For ADHD brains, this means they have to be repeatable, flexible, low-pressure, and forgiving. If you try to rely on motivation or create rigid routines, the dopamine novelty will soon wear off, and you’ll burst out of that system like a criminal making a jail break. Instead, try and emphasis systems over goals. Goals, although very useful, rely on outcomes to be achievable (e.g. if you wanted to exercise 5 days a week, but only did 4, your brain will treat that as failure). Instead, learn to set up systems by creating processes that support the values and meaningful life you want to move towards.
Example: I want to be a person who regularly moves my body. The System I set up is to leave my sports shoes and socks by my bed as a visual cue when I get up in the morning.
I may not do this every day. I may not do it perfectly – but every time I manage to do it, it’s a message to my brain that says “Hey! You’re staying true to who you want to be!” – and that’s a dopamine hit right there.
3 Practical Ways to Start Building Sustainable Systems
I hear you – you’re saying “But I’d never remember, my ADHD gets in the way!) – so let’s talk some practical ways to start building your sustainable system.
Tip 1: Start With One Micro-System at a Time
Choose one area that feels most chaotic (e.g., taking medication)
Build a simple, repeatable routine by stacking habits on EXISTING things you do (e.g. the first thing I do in the morning is drink coffee, so I will put a reminder in my phone every night to leave my ADHD meds by the coffee machine)
Avoid the temptation to “overhaul everything at once.”
Tip 2: Make It Visible and Easy to Access
Use visual cues (sticky notes, checklists, phone calendar reminders). Remember, it’s not about what it looks like to anyone else – your home is YOURS, and it deserves to be ADHD friendly.
Reduce friction - keep tools where you use them. If something feels too hard to get to, too difficult to reach or too time consuming to do – rethink how you access it – reducing friction means you have more chance of success. The same applies to things like choosing a gym. If you’re not already going past regularly, you’re probably not going to go. Pick somewhere that’s on your usual route.
In the early stages of systems, it can be especially helpful to use tools like colour coding or body doubling to get things done.
Tip 3: Design for your Real Life, Not your Ideal Life
Build systems around how you actually operate, not how you wish you did. Stop trying to change your ingrained habits and work with them instead. Wish your kitchen counter was tidier? Instead of trying to change the place where everyone dumps papers, contain it! A tray or basket can help. It’s not magazine worthy, but if it works for you, then it’s YOU worthy.
Include recovery time, sensory needs, and flexibility for hormonal or energy fluctuations. It’s ok to rest. It’s ok to have some days where you just can’t. Systems that work allow for space.
Make it fun! Find a way to gamify it!
Celebrate progress - the system is working if it gets you back on track easily, not if it’s perfect. If you feel that it’s not working for you – don’t overhaul it – give it small tweaks until it feels right.
Breaking the Shame Cycle
If you’re a woman with ADHD, I want to remind you that inconsistency is just part of the deal. It’s not a moral failure. You’re not a terrible person. The next time you feel yourself sinking into shame, I encourage you to invite in some gentle curiosity: “What is making this hard right now?” instead of “Why can’t I ever do this right?”. Self-compassion is the foundation of sustainable systems – the ability to breathe, give yourself grace and return to living your life in the most meaningful way.
Sustainable systems aren’t about doing more – they’re about doing WHAT MATTERS, with less friction. I invite you to slow down, simplify and create systems that support you rather than shame you. If you’re ready to move beyond burnout and learn how to build ADHD-friendly systems that actually last, I’d love to support you – please reach out for help.
