ADHD and Self-Compassion: What Changes When You Finally Understand Yourself
So, maybe you’ve just received an ADHD diagnosis, or are on the path to receiving one after years of trying to understand why you are the way you are. You might be feeling many emotions right now:
Maybe RELIEF (“Finally, I have a REASON!)
Maybe GRIEF (“Why didn’t I know sooner? What might have been different?”)
Maybe SHAME (“Now that I know, shouldn’t I be handling this better?”)
A diagnosis can be more than just information – it can affect the core of who you are and the way you understand yourself – an identity shift. When you finally understand the ADHD part of you, it’s important to understand the stories you have been telling yourself over the years and reconfigure those stories through the lens of your diagnosis, coupled with those magical words: Self-Compassion. Let’s talk about how counselling can help you use self-compassion to say hi to your new/old self.
The Old Story: “I Just Need to Try Harder”
Before diagnosis, and often after, if you stop and listen to your internal narrative, what does it say? Many of my clients describe to me the following words, which boil down to the story of “I just need to try harder/better/do more”. Ever heard your inner voice say: “I’m lazy”; “I’m unreliable’; “I’m just too emotional”; “I can’t get it together like everyone else”?
Those beliefs are formed through years of misunderstanding how your brain works and often reinforced through external sources (e.g. parents, teachers, bosses) and your own frustrating experiences. These stories are not the truth, but rather a survival response to being constantly misunderstood, and not given the tools and strategies to cope with life.
Your Diagnosis as a Turning Point (But Not the Whole Story)
So now you’ve had your diagnosis – what happens? The patterns and stories of your past don’t just disappear overnight. Diagnosis can help give you language and context to bring understanding and compassion, rather than closure. You are not a different person, you’re the same person, with more information. Diagnosis can help shift blame from your identity, to your brain systems and wiring – but it takes time and support to rewrite this new self-concept. Feeling a little disoriented and unsure how to integrate this new understanding is completely normal – give yourself time to assimilate, to feel all the feelings, and to rewire your identity.
How Counselling Can Help Re-Shape the Narrative
So how can counselling help? Counselling is gentle, collaborative process where we can:
· Unpack old identity beliefs
Explore how ADHD affects emotions, energy, routines, relationships
Learn self-compassion-based coping rather than self-criticism
Develop and experiment with strategies that suit your brain, instead of forcing you into systems that don’t fit
Begin to see strengths that were previously hidden under shame
Counselling isn’t about “fixing you.” It’s about helping you see yourself more accurately and kindly. It’s about helping you build tools that compassionately guide you in this new understanding of self.
Integrating a New, Compassionate Self-Story
While integrating a new, compassionate self-story can take time and effort, here’s a few ideas to get you started on integrating kindness into your self-talk:
Old self-story:
“I keep dropping the ball. I’m unreliable.”
New self-story:
“My brain works differently. I need structure that supports me - and that’s allowed.”
Old self-story:
“I’m too emotional.”
New:
“My emotions are deep and intuitive. I feel fully. That is a strength.”
Take some time (journal, walk, create) to think of 2 – 3 new stories you can practice telling yourself this week.
What Healing Can Feel Like
Inviting in the voice of self-compassion can create a significant shift for women with ADHD. Here’s some things you might notice:
A softer internal voice – less blame and shame
Less guilt after resting
Fewer “shoulds”
More space for joy and authenticity
Energy that feels more steady and manageable
It’s not about life feeling perfect, or your new self suddenly (and unexpectedly) getting their ducks in a row – but self-compassion can help create the canvas of possibility, of progress towards the kind of life that matters to you. When you let go of the hope of becoming someone else, and instead embrace your imperfect self with kindness, it creates space to grow, to breathe, to BE.
If you’re at the stage where your diagnosis feels big, heavy, or confusing - you don’t have to figure it out alone. Counselling can provide a space to share the load, untangle the stories that hurt, and build a gentler relationship with yourself. You’re welcome to send me a message or book directly if you’d like to explore this together – I’d love to connect with you.
