Unmasking ADHD in Women: Why It’s Often Missed and How It Really Feels
ADHD is everywhere right now on social media. But what really IS ADHD, and why do so many women get diagnosed as adults rather than children? For countless women, ADHD looks very different to the traditional picture of restless impulsivity in childhood. For clients I see, often newly diagnosed, it has been unnoticed for years, leaving them feeling misunderstood, exhausted and questioning their own sanity. Often, the diagnosis brings grief at the thought of potential missed, of opportunities they may have had if they’d known earlier.
The DSM-5 (a diagnostic standard used by clinicians worldwide) defines ADHD as “a neurodevelopmental disorder defined by impairing levels of inattention, disorganization, and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity”. The emphasis here is on the impairment. Most humans will experience one or more of the ADHD symptoms – many of them align with symptoms of burnout, overtiredness and depression – however, it is the level of impairment that is critical for diagnosis – ADHD creates significant impairment in daily life.
Why is ADHD often missed in women?
Girls and women are masters of masking. From an early age, many girls learn to hide their struggles by trying harder, people-pleasing, or internalising their overwhelm. While boys with ADHD might act out, girls more often turn their energy inward: daydreaming, procrastinating, or becoming perfectionists just to keep up. Many of my clients coped relatively well using these methods throughout primary and high school, when lots of structure was involved; scraped through university (or tried multiple degrees and never finished any of them) and then adulthood has been a constant struggle of trying to figure out why everything seems to be falling apart.
These women carry a heavy invisible burden — appearing capable on the outside while battling forgetfulness, disorganisation, emotional ups and downs, and a relentless sense of not living up to their potential.
It’s not uncommon for a woman with ADHD to reach adulthood without a diagnosis. Many only discover they have ADHD after their child or partner is diagnosed, or when burnout, anxiety, or depression finally force them to look for answers.
What ADHD really feels like for women
ADHD in women is more than just being a bit scatterbrained. It’s the heartbreak of missing appointments, losing things daily, struggling to finish tasks, and feeling crushed under guilt and self-criticism.
For some, it shows up as:
Constant mental clutter and racing thoughts.
Trouble prioritising — everything feels equally urgent.
Strong emotions that feel impossible to switch off.
Social anxiety from overthinking conversations long after they’re over.
A lifetime of feeling “too much” yet “not enough.”
Many women with ADHD are highly creative, compassionate, and driven — but behind the scenes, they often pay for that brilliance with sleepless nights and chronic self-doubt.
The cost of staying hidden
When ADHD goes undiagnosed or unsupported, it can take a huge toll on a woman’s mental health. Many experience anxiety, depression, or burnout from years of pushing themselves to meet expectations that were never designed with neurodiversity in mind.
Relationships can suffer too — partners and family may misunderstand forgetfulness or emotional intensity, leading to conflict and loneliness. Some women feel so misunderstood they stop asking for help altogether. Many women have both partners and children with neurodivergence which can make it extra challenging to hold it together.
You are not alone
If you see yourself in these words, please know you are not broken — you have a brain that works differently. Understanding your ADHD can be a powerful step towards self-compassion and a more manageable, joyful life.
For many women, counselling can be life-changing. A supportive, neuroaffirming counsellor can help you:
Unpack old shame, perfectionism and grief over what might have been.
Learn practical ways to organise life that actually suit your brain.
Build self-esteem and set healthy boundaries.
Communicate your needs clearly to loved ones.
Most importantly, therapy offers a safe space to be heard and accepted - no masks required.
Where to from here?
If you think you might have ADHD, consider speaking to a GP or psychologist who understands how ADHD shows up in women. Treatment can include both medication and counselling/coaching. You don’t need an official label to benefit from support — but having answers can ease years of self-blame.
Remember: you are not lazy, you are not failing - your brain is wired for creativity, passion and connection. You deserve to live in a way that honours that.
As a counsellor, I specialise in supporting women just like you to feel understood, find balance, and thrive with ADHD. If you’d like to talk, I invite you to reach out and book a session - you don’t have to navigate this alone.
